Especially for Mike ‘Excel Is Fun’ Girvin, my Lord, my Inspiration!

Dramatis Personae:

• Sir Cellius: A wise and wily knight, champion of Excel.
• Lord Planfull: A pompous merchant, peddler of expensive FP&A tools.
• Mistress Erypée: An ERP maiden, full of lofty promises.
• Sir Dashborde: A boastful bard, spinning tales of dashboards untold.
• Chorus: The Voice of Reason (and sometimes, Sarcasm).

Scene: A bustling court, lined with scrolls, ledgers, and endless procurement contracts.

(Enter SIR CELLIUS, twirling a quill, smiling mischievously.)

SIR CELLIUS:
Hark! Attend, good folk, for I bring merry news —
A scheme, a jest, a turn to cause a thousand chins to wag!
“They cry, ‘Thou canst not do this with Excel!'”
Fie upon such cries! Let us raise a merrier banner:
“Thou canst not do this with thy grand FP&A tools!”

(Enter LORD PLANFULL and MISTRESS ERYPÉE, striding stiffly, carrying heavy golden ledgers.)

LORD PLANFULL (huffily):
What jest is this, Sir Cellius? Dost thou mock the sacred halls
Of Planification and Metrics Divine?

MISTRESS ERYPÉE (loftily):
We offer miracles, dear knight —
Consolidations wider than the Thames,
Approvals slower than an aged tortoise,
And dashboards that no man shall decipher!

SIR CELLIUS (grinning):
Marry, what a banquet of delays ye offer!
Tell me, fair Mistress Erypée:
If thy system be so wondrous fleet,
Why must a humble change await a year, two budgets, and a royal decree?

MISTRESS ERYPÉE (aside, peevishly):
‘Tis not delay — ’tis strategic patience!

SIR CELLIUS (mock awe):
Ah, I see! Patience cloaked in ten million crowns of gold!
Thou hast indeed found a way to gild sloth!

CHORUS (aside to the audience):
Lo, behold the ancient arts of consulting:
Promise swifter steed, deliver stubborn mule.

LORD PLANFULL (puffing up):
Yet thou, with naught but common Excel,
Dost scribble and babble of greatness!
Thy sheets are but patches upon patches,
A tapestry stitched by mad monks!

SIR CELLIUS (smirking):
Patches, sayst thou? Nay, sir, flexibility!
Wouldst thou cage a lively fox in golden chains?
We in the house of Excel run free —
We consolidate kingdoms before thy slow horses yawn awake!

(Enter SIR DASHBORDE, with a lute, singing badly.)

SIR DASHBORDE (strumming):
O come all ye who seek great reporting!
Yet tarry first for six months’ scoping!

SIR CELLIUS (mocking bow):
A most tuneful warning, good Sir Dashborde!
Better men have waited less for peace than thou dost bid them wait for charts!

MISTRESS ERYPÉE:
Yet thou must admit, Sir Cellius,
In matters of grand enterprise governance,
‘Tis better to wait, to pay, to hope,
Than to trust thy rogue sorcery!

SIR CELLIUS (leaning forward, eyes twinkling):
I trust this sorcery indeed, fair lady,
For with Excel I have done what thy vaunted systems dare not:
Consolidated worlds; drilled deep into realms unknown;
Empowered kings and merchants alike,
All without chaining them to endless consultants’ fees!

LORD PLANFULL (sputtering):
But—but—thou knowest not true compliance!

SIR CELLIUS (laughing heartily):
Compliance? I have complied with common sense, good sir!
And when the King demands a number’s lineage,
I show it in one click, where thou dost call for a committee!

CHORUS (nodding sagely):
Aye, ’tis known:
With Excel, the walls are painted by the wise,
While Planfull’s folk yet squabble over what shade of purple to procure.

SIR CELLIUS (raising his quill):
Therefore I do beseech thee all, noble auditors and humble users:
Join me!
Raise high the standard of Excel,
That we might battle this monstrous regiment of overpriced delays!
Let us show the realm:
“Thou canst not do this with thy FP&A tools — but lo, with Excel, we dance upon thine ceilings!”

(The court erupts in laughter and applause. LORD PLANFULL and MISTRESS ERYPÉE retreat to rework their “Go-To-Market” strategies.)

CHORUS (final bow):
Thus ends the mirthful rebellion,
Where wit outsped bureaucracy,
And common sense, for once, claimed victory.

Exeunt.

ABSTRACT

This excerpt presents a one-act play titled “The Mirthful Defense of Excel,” a satirical piece defending the versatility and efficiency of Microsoft Excel against more expensive and rigid Financial Planning & Analysis (FP&A) and Enterprise Resource Planning (ERP) tools. Through characters like Sir Cellius (champion of Excel) and his opponents representing these complex systems, the play humorously contrasts Excel’s flexibility and speed with the bureaucracy, delays, and high costs associated with larger, specialized software. The dialogue highlights how Excel can empower users and quickly perform tasks that are cumbersome or require extensive consulting with alternative solutions, ultimately advocating for Excel’s practical advantages. The text suggests this play is part of a larger series or movement promoting Excel’s capabilities and questioning the necessity of certain enterprise-level tools.